Self Inflicted

I hesitate at writing these in the thought that to do it well is to show my self in the clearest light, if it feels anything less than unforgiving it sems fake. As if it is only real when painful. This cursor keeps blinking daring me to spill it.

Not understanding my own behavior. So many self inflicted wounds. I don’t stand up for myself or those I love in normal ways. I’m not saying I need to be more forceful. I’m saying I don’t seem to do it all. There are even times when I recognize what I should be doing and freeze or somehow unconsciously make it invisible. This doesn’t mean my loved ones are of no concern to me. I believe deeply that I make those I love a priority in life. I wish it were a blind spot, but it’s more than that. Its a fear, and a highly irrational one. At its worst I appear to be siding with that person that is in some way hurting or disrespectful to someone important to me. At best I stand in quiet agreement with my loved one as they defend themselves. I’m not aware until it’s too late. When I realize, my heart races, my ears ring my entire body tightens.

It hurts the worst with those I love the most. What’s the reason? I love my wife, and anything I have, everything I may get is hers. Yet when I let her down in this way, that cut is the deepest. I can see where my behavior could viewed as unloving or even mean. That’s not what it is. I’m certain what I do is wrong, I am equally aware it is not deliberate or wantonly hurtful. If I am going to be honest with myself it comes from a fearful place. But why?

Nothing I can see in my upbringing should have me here, yet here I am. To change it, must I understand the cause? It would be easier if it were something I could learn to stop doing. But it’s something I need to start doing and I struggle to know how. Maybe it’s not so much struggling to know how as it is a fear to assert myself. It’s easy after the fact, rolling it back in my imagination aver and over each time handling it better and better.

This deficiency goes beyond coming to the aid of those I love in difficult situations.I am so willing to work under the conditions of others. Keep changing the game and I’ll keep looking for rules to stay within. At work as in life I do not speak up for myself until I am emotionally white hot and every disconnected thought races to the surface to be suddenly heard. The result is a disjointed, manic rant showing me to be demonstrably unstable.

What’s the why?

Is there a when??